I Jacob Edmond Kerr was born August 2, 1985 in a small town named Horse Shoe beach in Florida. During birth, my mother was informed that my twin brother was having complications. Turns out he had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck. Since I had loved to kick the shit out of my brother from the beginning of time, I had kicked him lose, saving the day! By saving my brother’s life I had earned the middle name: Edmond. I was told it means savior. Since my brother was having complications somehow they managed to get him out first making him 6 minutes older than me! I was supposed to be first and still do not understand how they got him out first, but whatever he can have that win. He does not get many!
The Religious Commune
My twin brother Jesse Charles Kerr and I were the youngest out of 9 children. Here are the names of us children, youngest to oldest: Jacob, Jesse, Kayla, Teresa, William, Jemima, Keren, Holy, Ephraim. All of our names come from the Holy Bible. Before and at the beginning of me and Jesse’s time my mother and father were very religious. In fact, my father was a priest for what was and still is a religious commune to this day in Horse Shoe Beach, Florida. My parents sprung up from the good old hippie days. Some of my brothers and sisters were born in TPs in various communes and lived the hippie life for some time; moving from place to place, doing what they can to do their part for the community as a whole. Eventually, it settled in Horse Shoe Beach, Florida.
My Dad’s Good Friend
My dad had a good friend that was referred to as his best friend at the time. This man was excommunicated from the community because they believed he was evil and practicing the dark arts. Since this man was such a good friend of my father, my father and mother decided to go against the community by letting him stay on our land. Because of this, we were excommunicated as well.
Burning Down the House
When Jesse and I were 3 years old my mom left my dad for his good friend that got us excommunicated: John Depue. This man was the beginning of our fall out from the church and God. John had a house and property in Texas, this was my mom’s dream home. Some of us believe this is one of the ways he had reeled my mom in. The ironic thing is my twin brother Jesse and I had burned it down at the age of 4 while trying to roast hot dogs in my sister’s dresser drawer while we were supposed to be taking a nap. My big sister Keren was babysitting us at the time and well she should have known better then to leave me and Jesse alone because with us if there was a will there was a way and we had a lot of will and a ton of ways!
Raised in a Barn
After burning the house down my now step-dad (yeah they got married) John decided to turn the barn close to the burned down house into a house. Since he had his own construction business he had the resources to get the job done. Us kids had fun helping build the home.
The Good Old Barn House
A lot took place in that good old barn house. Turns out my stepdad was practicing the dark arts. I vaguely remember him having some of us kids participate in rituals. Also, that barn house was haunted as hell! My big brother Will had all kinds of fun games for us younger kids: Me, Jesse, Kayla, and Teresa. Some included and was not limited to running from him while he shot at us with his Bee-Bee gun, getting caught in his traps and hanging from a tree, getting his great initiation by having an X cut into our chest, helicopter on the trampoline made from a rope and 2 x 4, all kinds of fun get your ass beat games. My sister Jemima would come to defend us frequently and kick my brother Will’s ass. Man, I have seen those 2 in a lot of fights!
The Pervert
So my stepdad was a pervert and my mom knew it before she got with him. He did things in that barn house like having the only bathtub in the house in an unfinished room where he could set up and watch my sisters bath. He pushed it all the way to tying my sister Jemima up and having his way with her. At that point my mom had enough, she kicked him out of the house.
Fried Bacon
After getting kicked out my stepdad moved into a trailer somewhere in the general area where he frequently begged my mother to come back and for forgiveness. My big sister Keren had some connections with a local K.K.K. group (everything in my bio passed the check with my family but this one. Turns out there was never a K.K.K. group and it may have been my big brother Will who did this) that decided to pay my step dad a visit. They went into my step dad’s trailer while he was sleeping and simply blew out the pilot lights on his stove and turned the gas up. When my stepdad got up in the morning he sat his fat ass on the toilet and lit a cigarette, BOOM! Somehow he survived and came out of it with pigskin everywhere. All the skin on his body was charred. After blowing up our stepdad it was time to move. He owned the house and property and well after getting blown up he was done letting us stay in the house. I think getting blown up was a pretty good message that we were not going to let his fat ass back in and charred bacon was not our thing.
Starting Over and Over
So we moved into a house 100+ miles away by a graveyard, actually right across the street from one. This place was overrun by stray cats. My mom had to find new work in that area and we all went through a huge ordeal to make the move. It was a tough transition. While we were all out and about one day Mr. Bacon AKA John Depue came in and emptied the house out, he took everything. He left my mom a note and was pretty much holding all of our stuff for ransom. He wanted us back. I could imagine how devastated my mom was. I was only 5 or 6 at the time so to me it was just stuff, I was hurt because my mom was hurt. I knew how hard she worked to get away from him, for all that stuff and that man found us and took everything away. Not just our stuff, but our security, peace, and contentment that we worked so hard to earn back. We had to start over.
Moving to SLC, UT
My mom knew we had to get far away. She contacted her parents in SLC, Utah to reach out for help. We were fortunate enough to get their help to move all of us up to Utah. Actually, it is funny how things work. I’m not sure why but before we left the barn house, my big sister, Keren had decided to move to Utah so by the time we needed it she had already set up camp in Utah. With the help of my sister Keren and my grandparents, we made the transition to Utah. Utah was that state my mom was born in as well as my father. My father was a part of a biker gang named “The Sun Downers” in his teen years when my mom and dad met. My mom was from a well to do middle class to upper-class family with strong roots in the north and my dad was part of a poor family with stronger roots from the south. My mom and dad were a big part of the hippie movement in their teen years. My mom had become an outcast in her family, they had a different way of life. In turn, all of us kids were outcast as well.
We’re not in the South Anymore
A lot changed moving from the South to the north. Us kids went from living the country life with Southern hospitality to the city life where people seemed more detached and different in many ways. Also we were not active in the church anymore. I believe one of the biggest reasons is the people in the north were or seemed far to detached and judgmental. Also the area was dominated by the LDS church. I’m sure the lifestyle of more work and less money because everything cost to much did not help either. My mom worked herself to a nervous breakdown. Us kids were free to roam as we were in the country but we were not in the country anymore. Since my mom was always working it was up to us kids which worked before, but without the structure of the church and all the distractions of the city, things started to spiral out of control.
Running A Muck!
Me and my twin brother were running a muck! We lived in Taylorsville, Utah close to the Wal-Mart off redwood road and 50 something South. Since my mom was always busy working we would run around Taylorsville pretty much all day every day on our BMX bikes. We had found all kinds of bikes and bike parts dumpster diving and taking whatever bike we wanted that was not chained up. We had a grip of bikes and bike parts! It did not take us long to get into the art of stealing from retail stores either which took us from being grateful for the little we got from others as a gift here and there to having our own store. We were not just running a muck we also had some healthy habits like playing football with our friends, making our own bike park and plenty of other more healthy games and activities.
Taylorsville, Utah
In Taylorsville we also participated in some of the activities available from the LDS church which did help us from spiraling out of control completely. I remember trying boy scouts and we found out quick that we suck at that game (they did not like our methods). Since we were really poor we had a few really nice people in the church take us out a few times which I am grateful for. Some of the things I remember most from this time is: my best friend at the time Dereck Wood, sparing on the trampoline with kids in the neighborhood and even my sister Kayla, learning how to do front flips, front handsprings, backflips, and back handsprings, fence jumping throughout all the neighborhoods, roof jumping (if I needed to run from the cops they would have never caught me), creating skate parks for my big brother Will (he was a professional skater), insane BMX tricks, riding go-carts through the neighborhood, kicking holes in the walls in our basement (I feel bad for that), almost killing some kid in a fight, my favorite dog dying which was devastating at the time, I slept with a teddy bear that he licked every night for a long time.
The Bloody Machete
I remember my big brother Will throwing parties at my house with big boles of cocaine and other things. My brother will brought a bloody machete home one day and asked us to hide it in the wall. Turns out Will decided to join the Crypts and do some work for them. One thing I do like about how Will handled the situation now that I look back on it is he did keep the knuckleheads away. He did not bring anyone to the house that was a thug etc. He had enough respect and love for his own to keep the dirt and business away from the house.
Dirty Dancing
To put things into perspective at the time I was 8 years old (so that means Jesse was to), my sister Kayla was 10 years old, Teresa was 11, Jemima was about 17 and my brother Will about 16. The rest of my brothers and sisters were all grown up, out of the house and still living down south. My sister Jemima was into meditation, out of body experiences, making her own poperi, smoking weed and many of those peace, loving hippie type things. My sister Kayla and Teresa were into things like the movies Dirty Dancing and Ghost and very much dreamed and acted out things of that nature. They were into dancing and gymnastics which was OK for me because I was into gymnastics in the sense of front, back handsprings, flips etc. I remember them having me practicing tons of dance moves with them. I went through dance boot camp.
Little Romantic
I remember having a little crush back then on a girl name Stevie Graval. I went around and shoveled driveways to get money to buy her chocolates and flowers. I was and have always been a little romantic. I have cherished females from the beginning of time I do not remember the cooties times; I have always loved females. I respect them as I would my sister or mother.
Holding My Sister Up
This time ended with the following event: my big brother Will had got in pretty deep doing dirty work and mostly selling drugs and doing drugs. He started to lose touch and became the way he was in his work at home. He asked my sister Jemima to take him to the gas station and she refused. Well at the time you did not have the option of telling Will no. He ended up having my sister at knifepoint and holding it to her neck. He tried to force my sister into taking him and my sister did not budge. I remember it was traumatizing for my sisters, we were all there. It ended with the cops getting called, my brother running and ditching his knife in the yard. The cops found my brother within a few hours and locked him up. My mom could not take seeing my brother locked up and what he had become.
The Breakdown
My brother Will ran away from the detention center several times. One of the times he ended up getting jumped out of the Crypts. His face got kicked in and he had to have facial reconstruction surgery. At that time my mom had a nervous breakdown and decided to let my dad take me, Jesse and Kayla. Back then I did not know much about my father. All I knew was he drove a motorcycle that looked like the one on that show The Renegade and that he was a cop (turns out he was just a correctional officer). Back then he was like a superhero to me. My mom is a good woman she never spoke ill of our father to us kids.
Going to My Dad’s
My dad flew out to get us. I remember working in the neighborhood to help save up money for our plane tickets. I was excited to go at the time. We flew from SLC, Utah to somewhere in Florida about an hour or two from where we were going to stay, about 20 minutes from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida in a small town called Indian Town. My dad owned a trailer and a lot in a trailer park next to the Martin County Prison where he worked. I remember meeting my stepmom and my half-brother James at the airport when they came to pick us up. I remember my half-brother was about 4 and he was a little brat. I remember thinking oh great I have to deal with this little shit! When we got to our new home it was late so we were shown to our new rooms, which Jesse and I had to share with the little shit. We all happily went to sleep, we were beat! I will never forget how beautiful Florida looked waking up that first morning. I loved how bright the sun was and how fresh and humid the air was.
He’s Not A Hero!
We lived out in the middle of nowhere, a 20 – 30 minute drive to any city. When I first entered our new home I do not think I knew what swastikas were or what they represented because the entire living room was like a Nazi museum. It took me some time to realize what I had walked into. With time I realized my dad was not a hero. Turns out he was actually a pretty big piece of shit! My dad was racist, sexist, manipulative, a dictator and hateful as hell. My dad would not buy us clothes unless we wore what he wore and we refused so we had torn up clothes. He would eat steak while we ate Ramen Noodles. He would smack us around for next to nothing. Every night he would get drunk and there was always tension and drama. I learned how to escape in my mind with daydreaming and shutting myself off from emotion. Eventually, we got a PlayStation and a PC, thank god! That was one of me and Jesse’s only escapes: video games.
My POS Dad
Since I am getting close to the end of my auto I am going to summarize my time with my POS dad from 9 – 14 years old. A lot went down in this time here’s a quick list: my dad beat our ass for hanging out with black kids in our neighborhood, he kicked our ass for watching BET or listening to Eninem, if I got in a fight in school I would tell my dad the kid was black and get a pat on the back, my dad brought a woman into the house with my step mom and had this woman living there in the same room with both of them, my step mom got beat so bad by this other woman that she had to go to the hospital, my step mom snapped so now we had 2 psychos to deal with, both my step mom and dad tried to commit suicide several times, my dad talked and fantasized about getting on top of the water tower and picking off all he black people in our neighborhood and on the prison yard with all his guns, my dad would run around the house or trailer drunk in his whitey tighties blaring Hitler’s speeches in German and often the Doors, my dad forced us to shave our heads at the end of elementary school.
Fearing for My Life
My twin brother Jesse had ADHD bad. I saw Jesse’s ADHD the most by how he could not filter himself around my dad and seemed to never think before he acted. My brother was always getting his ass beat which hurt worse than getting my ass beat. My dad gave my sister her freedom by sending her back to my Mom’s only 1.5 years into living there with him. I spent many hours praying to God to get us away from our dad. I wished him dead many times. I started working out when I was 11 and by the age of 12 when my dad asked me to fight back, I did. I only had to take the pussy out once to get him to stop knocking us around. Every time he went for my brother I would knock his ass down, it did not take long for him to learn that he was done beating up on my brother. There was a time that my dad heard we warned out mom about a lawsuit he was working on against her. My dad reacted by trying to break my brother’s hand with a rolling pin. That was the first and only time we called the cops on him. After that, we slept with a bat beside the bed and the window open. My dad was cleaning his guns that night and we knew what was going through his fucked up mind.
Shooting my Dad’s Thumb Off
When we were 12 our dad let us get drunk for new years eve and we loved it! Since my dad and stepmom was nuts they had Xanax and Adderall and a grip of it! From the age 12 we got spun on Adderall, Xanax and smoked weed frequently. When my stepmom tried to shoot herself with my dad’s .45 she blew my dad’s thumb off because his dumb ass tried to pull the slide back on the .45 so it would not fire, we stole his painkillers. My twin brother Jesse got busted selling pills in school and stealing while he was high. Jesse was never good at doing things right. Which is ironic as hell because I am the one in Prison and he’s not.
Getting My Freedom from My Dad
Anyway, we finally put our dad through enough shit because he gave me my freedom and sent me to my mom’s in Texas and sent Jesse to boot camp for his crimes. It was so hard leaving Jesse. I will never forget that day. I took a Greyhound bus from Ft. Lauderdale Florida to Franklin, Texas. I had some pocket money, only like $10 but I turned that $10 into $50 playing poker on the bus. On the way to Texas I bought some weed at one of the stations and had to stop playing poker because I started to lose. When I got to Texas I told my mom I bought some weed on the way there and to my surprise, she told me that her boyfriend would smoke some with me when I got home. I was in heaven! I was like this is awesome! I went from a strict home at my dad’s to a very kick back, do what you want home at my mom’s. When I went back to my mom’s all the other kids had already moved out so it was just me. We were deep in the country and it was summer time. My mom took me around to find work. I found a job as a ranch hand making $9.00 an hour, under the table and getting paid every day. The local bars would sale me alcohol and if not my mom or her boyfriend would buy it for me and the bar did not bug me about drinking. I turned 15 shortly after getting to Texas. My mom and her boyfriend got into a fight and my mom sent me to my sister Jemima’s house in SLC, Utah by September so I was only in Texas for a couple of months. So in SLC, UT I went to night school for a few hours a day and drank and partied with my sister’s husband Blue almost every night. After a few months or well almost a year, right after my 16 birthday my mom came to SLC to live. I had the worst hangover (it lasted for 3 days)! It was the day after my 16 birthday and I had to help move all our stuff into our new place off of Redwood Road and 3500 South. Soon after moving into our new place my twin brother was finally done with boot camp and liberated from my dad’s. We were back together at last!
The Last 16 Years
OK 2 pages for the next 16 years so let’s do this. We went to Granite High School where I got with my wife. I met her in high school and lost my virginity to her. We ended up dropping out of school to work full time. Soon after she was pregnant. My x-wife’s brother was a computer programmer and told me if I got into programming he would give me work so I did and worked for him in Canada for a while. We married when I was 18 and she was 17. We ended up having 3 boys. I was a workaholic for awhile and she left me for it. She cheated on me and treated me like crap. I went through a lot of BS when she left me and took our kids and before that. I went from family man to party boy. I was just turning 21 so I spent a lot of time at the clubs. One day after the club my twin brother talked me into hitting the block and getting some crack. The first time I tried crack I got a huge grin on my face, instantly it was game over! Soon after with-in a couple of months I lost my job of 4 years and my place. I moved to my sister Kayla’s, not too long after that I went to Florida for 2 years. My twin brother was with me the whole way. In Florida my big brother Will got out of prison after 3 years (he spent most of his adult life in prison). Will finally got a termination. I got my brother back into drugs by giving him oxycodone. He ended up hanging himself. For many reasons I felt guilty. I got a call from the state of Utah telling me they had custody of my kids. I flew back to SLC, Utah right away, got a job, got a truck and a house big enough for 5 kids and me with-in a month. I had not drunk or done any kind of intoxicating substance in the year that I had my kids. The state found out I let the kids see their mom and they took them away instantly, no questions asked. My sister, her husband, her daughter, her stepson and my 3 kids plus 2 adopted were in the house. The state told me to move out of they would take the kids. I moved out and my sister took over. My sister rated me out and testified against me in court. My sister got the child support, the same truck as me but a newer one with my money etc. it was a load of crap! I was weak and nieve and hung out with my x-wife and tried heroin. End of story….! My journey and battle with heroin won me losing my kids to adoption, my first time in trouble with the law, homelessness, stealing from family and others, leading others into addiction, falling out from God, selfishness, pain, insanity, several overdoses, bringing loved ones back to life, loved ones bringing me back to life, pettiness and hopelessness like never before. I have learned a lot through this journey, it has humbled me. I now feel like it was all meant to be. I see it as a strength, not a weakness. I now believe in order for some to know and appreciate the light they must first live in the darkness. I use to regret what I had done, now I cherish it. I feel like God has been beating brass into gold. I am now in ConQuest learning: Things happen for me, not to me. What you resist persist. This to shall pass. Show me your friends and I will show you your future. Your perspective/perception determines your reality. Ego and awareness cannot co-exist. Humility is the greatest tool against the ego. My will is an illusion, God’s will is reality. Love is the only thing that matters, everything else is meaningless. Believing/faith is one of the most powerful things there is beside love. We are all the same, to judge another is to judge myself. A man with a why can live with anyhow.
