Wrote July 12, 2018 in Draper UT prison by Jacob Edmond Kerr

Through my journey through the darkness and back to the light I have experienced what was written in 2 Corinthians 4:4 first hand “In their case the God of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the Gospel of the Glory of Christ, who is the image of God”. When experiencing this state of blindness/unawareness it is undeniable. It was also written in Isaiah 6:9 “Keep on hearing, but do not understand; keep on seeing, but do not perceive. Make the heart of his people dull, and their eyes heavy, and blind their eyes; lest they see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and understand with their hearts, and turn and be healed”. For many years I was blind to many things of the heart. Being out of touch with my heart and God led to what was written being played out in my life: “You will be a restless wanderer on the earth.”

A Restless Wanderer on this Earth

I lost 7 years of my life to Heroin. My experience with Heroin was a heartbreaking experience of loneliness, poverty, desperation, and affliction in just about every form. I had no love for myself, I had no love for others and I was so lost in my own pain and suffering I could not see anything else. In a sense my heart was made dull, I was so lost in myself that I would hear and see people, places and things pleading with me and my ways but I did not understand or perceive. I was a restless wanderer on this earth.

Turning to be Healed

So how did I turn to be healed? I believe no matter how lost someone maybe there will always be something inside of them, their heart and soul that is and always will be pure and connected to God or Christ. Several times I was pulled out of the self-indulging and consuming life by the Grace of God. One thing in common with each time I was pulled away from my life of destruction is I had broken down and pleaded for help: “Oh Lord why have you forsaken me?”

Beating Brass into Gold

Whether I was aware of it at the time I got what I asked for. When I think of this I think of the following quote: “Go ahead, light your candles and burn your incense and ring your bells and call out to God, but watch out, because God will come and he will put you on his anvil and fire up his forge and beat you and beat you until he turns brass into pure gold.” I went to jail multiple times, found periods of sobriety, the 12 steps to spirituality and experienced many trials, errors, and failures. Eventually, I earned my way to prison where I found God. Why is it that so many find God in prison? I believe it has to do with them being pulled away from their worldly possessions, the many attachments that kept them away from God. This experience reminds me of the following quote from Mathew 16:24-25 “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” and also Ephesians 4:22-24 “Everything… Connected with that old way of life has to go. Its rotten through and through. Get rid of it!”

Becoming Humble

Through my struggle with addiction, I learned how to be humble. Being at the level of being strung out and homeless on the streets one learns first-hand humility in many different forms. Through humility I found equality: “I say to you that even as the Holy and the righteous cannot rise beyond that which is in each of you, so the wicked and the weak can not fall lower than the lowest which is in each of you also.” I truly believe that we are all capable of the greatest goods and also the greatest evils which is a very freeing revelation. I feel as though I experienced what was written in Mathew 23:12 “Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.”

Surrendering to Freedom

I lost 8 years of my life to addiction. I spent 6 of those 8 years trying to find my way out of it. Since I believed I was clever I thought for a long time I could think my way out of this whole addiction thing. I was strong, I was smart, I could help myself, my free will would save me! This reminds me of what Jesus Christ once said: “Oh father, I thank you for concealing these truths from the clever and learned, and revealing them to the simple.” It took 6 years of me being beaten down over and over again to finally throw up my hands and surrender. Through surrender I found God and I found myself. I realized surrender is freedom, not bondage: “Father, everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine.” Through surrender I found faith, through faith I found a change of mind, through my change of mind I found a change of heart. Romans 12:2b “Let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind. Then you will be able to know the will of God — what is good and is pleasing to him and is perfect.”.

Seeking the Truth

For a long time, I was seeking the truth. I looked for it in physics, Hinduism, Buddhism, the Tao, Zen, Confucianism, Darwinism, eastern medicine and even the 12 steps of AA. When I finally had a change of heart I opened up the Holy Bible and everything started to come together like a beautiful puzzle which reminds me of Mathew 7:7 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.”

It’s not Personal

In prison, I learned that sometimes you will never know God is all you need until God is all you got. As I mature spiritually I think about myself less and something greater than myself more. This maturing reminds me of what Apostle Paul said in 1 Corinthians 13:11 “When I was a child I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man I gave up childish ways.” One of my greater revelations recently was when it comes to something greater than myself it’s not personal which really makes life a lot easier and a lot less stressful. This reminds me of the following quote: “Be as quick to defend the rights of the stranger as you would a member of your family. It’s the rights you’re defending, not the person. Be generous to the poor, whether you know them or not. It’s mercy you are expressing, not personal affection.” Now when I think about a power greater then myself I think about things of the Lord: love, mercy, hope, faith, loyalty, honesty, humility and more. When I express these things it’s not personal, it’s about something much greater than you or me.

What I Learned

I also learned that things that are not eternal are eternally worthless, the only things you can keep forever are the ones you give away, I learned what you resist persist, things happen for me not to me, humility is the greatest tool against the ego or the self, knowing is not knowing, everything in this life is temporary “this to shall pass”, surrender or letting go is freedom not bondage, love conquers all, we are all equal and we are here for each other not ourselves and above all I am lost without my higher power: God.